The Webs is Weird

Over the last 27 years, I figure I've lived at eight different addresses. And thanks to Google Maps Street View, I can visit all but two of them any time I like. If you live in any major city, you can probably do the same.

2000-2001

2001-2004

2004

2004-2005

2005-2007

2007-today

The other two houses, in suburban New Jersey, have not yet been catalogued. But I can still visit the entrances to their neighborhoods, not to mention the McDonald's where I had my 5th birthday party, the 7-11 parking lot where we hung out in high school, and the shitty amusement park in Keansburg.

But my favorite personal use of this takes place in Florida. A few months ago I was visiting my grandparents in Boca Raton, Florida, where they have lived for over 20 years. Realizing that in all our visits over the years, we had only gone north, south, and east from their house, I asked what was west of their neighborhood. My grandfather replied that he had never been that way. Not since they moved to Boca in 1986. Not ever. Now, the Everglades are fairly close, but there are still a few roads over there. And now with the genius of Street View, we can all see what lies west of my grandparents' house: absolutely nothing.



The internet gives us some amazing things. Largely useless, but still amazing. And creepy.

Play-doh tastes great, is less filling

Three of my favorite things: dessert, animation, and opera.



Yes.

all is not lost

After much fretting about an upcoming trip out East, I realized today that the voyage will not force me to miss Paczki Day 2009, as previously thought. A huge sigh of relief was heard across the Midwest, and my stomach prepared itself for a magnificent feast enjoyed but once a year. 

It feels like winning the lottery, except I won't have to endure any curses. Just glorious glorious donuts.

PANTY RAID!

While catching the back half of Revenge of the Nerds on TV today, I realized something. The nerds are a bunch of cheaters. Consider this:

• In the first part of the Homecoming Carnival competition, a team member must ride around a short track on a tricycle twenty times, chugging a beer after each lap. The Tri-Lambs (our nerd "heroes") send Japanese student Takashi on the mission. But before chugging a beer, they give him a pill called trichloromethalene, which they say will counter all effects of alcohol on his system. So Takashi takes a performance-enhancing drug and handily defeats all other competitors as they fall and swerve their ways around the track.

• In the javelin portion of the competition, the limp-wristed Lamar throws a custom-designed spear that flops all over the place and has four fins on the back end. Clearly this is not a regulation javelin. And of course the gayest-javelin-of-all flies further than the rest. Why were they disqualified instantly? Even the Pinewood Derby has rules, folks.

• Finally, in perhaps their most despicable act of all, the nerds cheat in the charity fundraiser event. While the Alpha Betas innocently raise funds by selling sweet kisses, the Tri-Lambs have a "pie-selling" booth. I use quotes because they aren't selling pies. They are selling dishes of whipped cream with a topless photo of the head Alpha Beta's girlfriend at the bottom of the dish. An illicit picture acquired through creepy illegal surveillance equipment and distributed without regard to the age or taste of the consumer. And in a further insult to common morals, the leader of the nerds poses as the head Alpha Beta (Ted McGinley, of course) in order to seduce his lady friend in the Moon Room of the Fun House as a weird green alien looks on. By the end of the movie, the lovely lady, Betty, has fallen for Lewis, the head nerd. And if memory serves me, the two are married in Revenge of the Nerds III or IV. Are we expected to believe she never found out about the horrific exploitation she was subjected to, all in the name of winning the Greek Council presidency? Lewis Skolnick should be ashamed of himself.

The despicable deeds conducted by the Adams College chapter of the Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity are an abomination. These nerds should have been expelled and/or sent to jail. But they weren't. Because they completely redeemed themselves with an awesome skit, full of sweet music, hardcore rap and magnificent dance. And I thank them for it.

Enjoy it while you can

If you ever wanted to wear New Year's glasses made out of the year number, make sure to seize the opportunity at the end of this month. Because 2010 just isn't the same.

Those of us born in the 1980s (or 90s for that matter) have taken those two round numbers in the middle of the year for granted. We don't remember a time before our eyes could fit snugly in the oval made by an 8 or a 9 or a 0. I was fortunate enough to graduate in the year 2000 (In The Year Two-Thousaaand...) and had several opportunities to wear the glasses. Alas, I did not take advantage nearly as often as I should have.

Now we are looking down a road which will not see consecutive round digits until 2060, fifty-one years from now. I'd like to plan to party that night, but who knows, I could be too tired to go out. Or dead.

Sure, some might say 2 and 3 are round digits. But we all know it's not the same. Ditto for 2010. With the balance skewed, those glasses just won't look right.

So this New Year's Eve, make sure to revel in the roundness of the new digits. It'll be your last chance for a while. The future is bleak, but we can pull through it together.




Thoughts like these are the reason it's OK to turn off the iPod and close the newspaper during your commute once in a while. Sometimes you just need to stare into space and let the mind wander.


P.S. Happened to be looking through old photos tonight. Proof! Say goodbye to the days of plenty, folks. We're about to go tacky-sunglass-less for several decades.

Word to the Wise

If you aren't in the mood to be depressed, don't look at a graph of your 401k's performance. Here's mine:

Isn't it adorable how it looks just like a frown? I also love the way it erases everything I've done for three years. Ahh, to be in my early twenties again...

Then It Fell Apart

Epiphany at brunch today.

For the rest of my life, every time I hear the first notes of Moby's "Extreme Ways" I will be reminded of how awesome the Bourne movies are, and how happy we should all be that they exist.