Twas a mighty beast, but I hath defeateth it.As I prepared to venture to my place of employment this afternoon, one of Mother Nature's lovely creatures decided to venture into my place of residence. A medium-sized rodent of the family Sciuridae found its way through an open window and stared at me, piercing my eyes with furious wonder. It darted to my living room, apparently in search of the film Napoleon Dynamite. Once this holy grail was found, the rodent made itself comfortable amongst the rest of my DVDs. I played whack-a-squirrel while it bounded between several nooks and crannies of my television stand.
Taking quick action, I ran to open up all available exits and leave trails to them made of Rice Krispies. Upon returning to pursue my prey, it was not to be found. I searched high and low and could not find a trace of the devil animal. With few options, I left a window open in case it was still inside and wanted a way out, and departed for work.
The evening passed slowly. I smiled and entertained my fellow employees with my lighthearted tale of woe. But my imagination wandered to picture the spring soiree my guest was throwing whilst I toiled away creating moving pictures of sport for the masses.
I returned home shortly after midnight.
Quietly stepping down to my basement abode, I took care not to creak the stairs and give any warning to my arrival. If the beast remained in the apartment, I would stalk it quietly and shoo it away.
All thanks to the lord above, it would appear the squirrel had gone. It was not in the nooks, it was not in the crannies. There were no food crumbs strewn about, nor the enormous piles of poo that I had feared. The long night and long fight that I had prepared for was not to be. I opened the refrigerator door to find a hoppy carbonated beverage with which to toast the victory.
And it rustled.
I saw it nestled behind the refrigerator, comfortable. It did not flee immediately, so I devised a plan. Laid out crackers with peanut butter, all leading to the backyard. I grabbed a Swiffer with which to guide the beast. When prepared, I quickly moved the refrigerator out of the way. And naturally, the bushy-tailed demon chose to run behind the kitchen sink, one of the hardest places to reach in the whole of my household.
After swatting at it with the Swiffer with no success (unless I was trying to scare it and probably make it poo. In that case, I was probably successful), I laid more peanut butter and Rice Krispies on a trail, and thought of what could remove the squirrel from its hiding spot.
I remembered an aerosol air freshener, named Clean Linen. It had never before proven useful, as I did not enjoy its scent. But perhaps if I did not like it, my visitor would agree. I was right. I pressed on the dispersal button and aimed behind the sink. Lo and behold, the creature emerged. And ran straight into the living room again, to lurk beneath and behind the couch.
I chased it back, flipped up the couch and watched the spawn of squirrel satan scamper to the Holiest of Holies, my bedroom. It took refuge in the 4 inches beneath Where The Magic Happens, also known as my Salvation Army box spring and Ikea mattress.
With the rodent again in hiding, I took the opportunity to seal the area off. Picture frames were used to block off all of the apartment except for the rear exit, and a full-length mirror became a ramp to the window from whence the furry fiend came.
I sent a continuous spray of Clean Linen beneath the bed. The forest creature emerged, darted around, realized it was trapped, and returned to its hiding place.
Now emboldened, I flipped up the bed, revealing the beast. I sprayed furiously. It fled, crashing into a carefully-placed picture frame. Revising its route, the monster spotted an open door leading to the laundry room and the freedom of the backyard beyond.
Bringing up the rear with my Swiffer of a shepherd's staff, I shouted at the creature as it ventured outside my walls.
Sneaking behind the washing machine, the squirrel did not make it to the outside. But spotting the large rat poison traps awaiting my enemy, I decided that tonight's battle was at an end. I returned to the new-found solitude of my humble dwelling.
Tomorrow, the rebuilding will begin.
