all is not lost

After much fretting about an upcoming trip out East, I realized today that the voyage will not force me to miss Paczki Day 2009, as previously thought. A huge sigh of relief was heard across the Midwest, and my stomach prepared itself for a magnificent feast enjoyed but once a year. 

It feels like winning the lottery, except I won't have to endure any curses. Just glorious glorious donuts.

PANTY RAID!

While catching the back half of Revenge of the Nerds on TV today, I realized something. The nerds are a bunch of cheaters. Consider this:

• In the first part of the Homecoming Carnival competition, a team member must ride around a short track on a tricycle twenty times, chugging a beer after each lap. The Tri-Lambs (our nerd "heroes") send Japanese student Takashi on the mission. But before chugging a beer, they give him a pill called trichloromethalene, which they say will counter all effects of alcohol on his system. So Takashi takes a performance-enhancing drug and handily defeats all other competitors as they fall and swerve their ways around the track.

• In the javelin portion of the competition, the limp-wristed Lamar throws a custom-designed spear that flops all over the place and has four fins on the back end. Clearly this is not a regulation javelin. And of course the gayest-javelin-of-all flies further than the rest. Why were they disqualified instantly? Even the Pinewood Derby has rules, folks.

• Finally, in perhaps their most despicable act of all, the nerds cheat in the charity fundraiser event. While the Alpha Betas innocently raise funds by selling sweet kisses, the Tri-Lambs have a "pie-selling" booth. I use quotes because they aren't selling pies. They are selling dishes of whipped cream with a topless photo of the head Alpha Beta's girlfriend at the bottom of the dish. An illicit picture acquired through creepy illegal surveillance equipment and distributed without regard to the age or taste of the consumer. And in a further insult to common morals, the leader of the nerds poses as the head Alpha Beta (Ted McGinley, of course) in order to seduce his lady friend in the Moon Room of the Fun House as a weird green alien looks on. By the end of the movie, the lovely lady, Betty, has fallen for Lewis, the head nerd. And if memory serves me, the two are married in Revenge of the Nerds III or IV. Are we expected to believe she never found out about the horrific exploitation she was subjected to, all in the name of winning the Greek Council presidency? Lewis Skolnick should be ashamed of himself.

The despicable deeds conducted by the Adams College chapter of the Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity are an abomination. These nerds should have been expelled and/or sent to jail. But they weren't. Because they completely redeemed themselves with an awesome skit, full of sweet music, hardcore rap and magnificent dance. And I thank them for it.