PANTY RAID!

While catching the back half of Revenge of the Nerds on TV today, I realized something. The nerds are a bunch of cheaters. Consider this:

• In the first part of the Homecoming Carnival competition, a team member must ride around a short track on a tricycle twenty times, chugging a beer after each lap. The Tri-Lambs (our nerd "heroes") send Japanese student Takashi on the mission. But before chugging a beer, they give him a pill called trichloromethalene, which they say will counter all effects of alcohol on his system. So Takashi takes a performance-enhancing drug and handily defeats all other competitors as they fall and swerve their ways around the track.

• In the javelin portion of the competition, the limp-wristed Lamar throws a custom-designed spear that flops all over the place and has four fins on the back end. Clearly this is not a regulation javelin. And of course the gayest-javelin-of-all flies further than the rest. Why were they disqualified instantly? Even the Pinewood Derby has rules, folks.

• Finally, in perhaps their most despicable act of all, the nerds cheat in the charity fundraiser event. While the Alpha Betas innocently raise funds by selling sweet kisses, the Tri-Lambs have a "pie-selling" booth. I use quotes because they aren't selling pies. They are selling dishes of whipped cream with a topless photo of the head Alpha Beta's girlfriend at the bottom of the dish. An illicit picture acquired through creepy illegal surveillance equipment and distributed without regard to the age or taste of the consumer. And in a further insult to common morals, the leader of the nerds poses as the head Alpha Beta (Ted McGinley, of course) in order to seduce his lady friend in the Moon Room of the Fun House as a weird green alien looks on. By the end of the movie, the lovely lady, Betty, has fallen for Lewis, the head nerd. And if memory serves me, the two are married in Revenge of the Nerds III or IV. Are we expected to believe she never found out about the horrific exploitation she was subjected to, all in the name of winning the Greek Council presidency? Lewis Skolnick should be ashamed of himself.

The despicable deeds conducted by the Adams College chapter of the Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity are an abomination. These nerds should have been expelled and/or sent to jail. But they weren't. Because they completely redeemed themselves with an awesome skit, full of sweet music, hardcore rap and magnificent dance. And I thank them for it.

Enjoy it while you can

If you ever wanted to wear New Year's glasses made out of the year number, make sure to seize the opportunity at the end of this month. Because 2010 just isn't the same.

Those of us born in the 1980s (or 90s for that matter) have taken those two round numbers in the middle of the year for granted. We don't remember a time before our eyes could fit snugly in the oval made by an 8 or a 9 or a 0. I was fortunate enough to graduate in the year 2000 (In The Year Two-Thousaaand...) and had several opportunities to wear the glasses. Alas, I did not take advantage nearly as often as I should have.

Now we are looking down a road which will not see consecutive round digits until 2060, fifty-one years from now. I'd like to plan to party that night, but who knows, I could be too tired to go out. Or dead.

Sure, some might say 2 and 3 are round digits. But we all know it's not the same. Ditto for 2010. With the balance skewed, those glasses just won't look right.

So this New Year's Eve, make sure to revel in the roundness of the new digits. It'll be your last chance for a while. The future is bleak, but we can pull through it together.




Thoughts like these are the reason it's OK to turn off the iPod and close the newspaper during your commute once in a while. Sometimes you just need to stare into space and let the mind wander.


P.S. Happened to be looking through old photos tonight. Proof! Say goodbye to the days of plenty, folks. We're about to go tacky-sunglass-less for several decades.

Word to the Wise

If you aren't in the mood to be depressed, don't look at a graph of your 401k's performance. Here's mine:

Isn't it adorable how it looks just like a frown? I also love the way it erases everything I've done for three years. Ahh, to be in my early twenties again...

Then It Fell Apart

Epiphany at brunch today.

For the rest of my life, every time I hear the first notes of Moby's "Extreme Ways" I will be reminded of how awesome the Bourne movies are, and how happy we should all be that they exist.

nothing to see here

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry nobody writes in you anymore. Please don't take it personally. I just don't have that much to say these days. And I don't think anybody reads you anyway.

For all none of you that have been clamoring to know how the Grand Ole Summer turned out, I succeeded. In the 101 days between Memorial Day and Labor Day I rode 1021.79 miles on my bike, all around Chicago. It was really nice to set a tough goal and actually achieve it. I even earned a free t-shirt for riding the whole lakefront trail (18 miles) in one go. So there's some new physical evidence of the accomplishment to go along with the pride. (There had been other physical evidence, in the form of my new svelte figure. But that is long gone now.)

I'm going to leave the non-updated stats and map of the whole affair up for a while. There's something nice about having an internet equivalent of leaving dishes in the sink. Like looking for the varsity football schedule for my old high school, except the latest one they have posted is from 2006. These kinds of things give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

See you in another couple months.

Your friend,
Me

Potpourri

Where to begin, where to begin. I've been pretty busy the last month or so and haven't had much time to write you, blog. Not that there's been much to say. But here are a few tidbits that have rattled around my noggin at random moments.

I started a new freelance gig a few weeks ago. It's pretty great and allows me to do things like leave my house for something other than work. In other words, paychecks are nice. This afternoon I will be purchasing my first new pair of shoes in several years. Also some new guitar strings. A website told me you should change them every couple weeks. I haven't put new ones on since I bought the guitar six months ago. So that'll be nice.

At my last job in DC, I had a phone meeting every day with the Los Angeles office. Since they didn't arrive at work until 10am west coast time, I usually didn't get to eat lunch until 2 o'clock. Whatever stale dregs were left to eat at the Giant supermarket or YourWay Cafe, I was forced to eat them. Things are slightly different now that I'm working a 7am-3pm freelancer shift. The local eateries are just barely open when I am ready for lunch at 11 o'clock. The staff are energetic and friendly, and the food is fresh. And there are very few lines to wait in. It's fantastic.

My only complaint about lunchtime is the bathroom break. I'd guess there are between one and two hundred people working in this office, and yet I've only discovered two stalls in which the men may shit. This is hardly acceptable. When I chow down on some chicken teriyaki and an egg roll from the Metra station food court, I expect to release some of that soon after. And I don't want to be running from floor to floor trying to keep the poop in my butt. It wants to leave. For all the faults that existed at Team, there was ample shit space. Eight seats on which you could take a crap, if memory serves me correctly. And there were usually magazines. In fact, pooping at my old office inspired me to subscribe to Esquire, a decision I am rather glad was made.


Unfortunately, now all I can think about is the bathroom at my old office. All the clever tidbits I was going to share with you have disappeared. Fear not, they will undoubtedly return some day. And there will be rejoicing. If these few paragraphs have not satiated you, maybe check out the blog of John McCain's running mate. She's got a lot to say.
http://sarahpalin.typepad.com/

Update (4:01 p.m.): This is 2008. What kind of shoe store only takes cash? I didn't realize Milwaukee Avenue was Dan's Cafe.

Large Hadron Rap

Suddenly I feel like finding my 11th-grade physics teacher and emailing him this video. Mr. Keller, please watch it and share it with all your nerds/students. And stop dripping caked saliva out of the side of your mouth, if you still do that.